Have you ever had a dating situation that you wish you could get non-biased advice on? Maybe your friends are just a little too close to the situation to give solid advice, or you’re too embarrassed about it to open up to someone about it. Well, we are happy to introduce the answer to your problem: our new, completely anonymous advice corner – Ask Ms. Mutual!
This is a place where you can ask all of your dating questions, right down to the nitty-gritty, super specific situations you’re struggling with. Best part – you will remain completely anonymous! Each question is answered by an expert, who we’re calling “Ms. Mutual”
You can submit your questions here.
Ms. Mutual has already been busy at work answering your questions, so here are a few answers to get us started!
Hi Ms. Mutual,
I am so inspired by the love success stories, dating tips, inspirations & advice shared on Mutual.
Nonetheless, I am still trying to find some closure to my short-lived encounter with someone I met last year and trying to heal from a broken heart. I still time to time find myself thinking of him while I know that I need to move on as he has already.
So I met this guy last year. We clicked, chatted, and then went on a few dates. We had a list of a few other dates we still wanted to do. I gave him a few different days that would work for me and I moved my plans to suit what he wanted. When that day came, he said he was sick and couldn’t make the date. I said that’s ok, there’s other dates, just let me know, but he never responded and ghosted me.
He would always go out of his way to extend help to me and do dates when I was available. I think he felt sidelined because most of the time, he would also have stuff going on, but would ask to meet up after we were both available. I have a busy schedule and need to prepare ahead of time, so I would suggest another date, etc. I guess this time he had had enough accommodating.
I also felt myself being guarded most of the time with him because I didn’t know him well. I shoul dhave communicated that to him because on a number of occasions, he would ask when I would invite him to my home. That would leave me speechless and caught off guard but in retrospect, I should’ve just communicated that until I got to know him a bit more, then we could take it from there, but I didn’t, and I keep blaming myself. Is it bad to want to reach out to him for closure?
Here’s my perspective. First of all, it sucks getting ghosted because you don’t get the closure that you need, and I’m so sorry you’re going through that right now. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reaching out to him again for closure.
If you reach out to him and it turns out that it was all some misunderstanding, then great! If you reach out to him and things don’t go the way you hope, don’t take it too hard. It’s easy to look back at a situation and say “I should have done this” or “I should have been better at that.” It’s important to recognize ways that we can improve so that we can be better in the future, but wallowing in the past and playing the “what if” game over and over again with yourself will only make you miserable. Instead, focus on the future and think “what’s next?” instead of “what if?”
I love that you are able to look back and recognize that you should have communicated better. Whether you continue a relationship with this guy or a different guy in the future, I hope you remember that and work to improve your communication skills. Communication is the backbone of a good relationship! This talk from 2014 is specifically about communication within a marriage, but I think it has great advice for communicating in any relationship. You can read it here: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/liahona/2014/02/young-adults/speak-listen-and-love?lang=eng
Hang in there!
xo / MM
Hey Ms. Mutual,
I’ve been on this app for a few years, so far I’ve had bad date after bad date, rejection after rejection & women who only want NCMO after well you get the idea.
I have done everything, I’ve asked questions, I’ve opened doors, I’ve been respectful & I’ve reached out to follow up on the date in a respectful way, but nothing. Same with Mutual every suggestion/advice y’all shared, I have done.
I’m really tired of being single, everyone around me except for my immediate family is in a relationship, I’m pushing 30 years old, I’m in school full-time, I hopefully through the grace of God am going to be the first person in my family to finish college & I’m very independent, I feel like I’m ready, but at this point I really don’t know what else to do, I’ve spent hours on this app late at night, trying to put myself out there and it’s getting to a point to where I’m either gonna take a break & focus on me, which I think isn’t normal for a man to do in his late 20s, or well I don’t really know what the next option after that is, but anyway, I’m hoping if you have any advice or maybe a testimony that can help me not give up hope.
First off, I want to let you know that the feelings you are feeling right now are totally valid! There is nothing wrong with wanting and feeling like you’re ready for a relationship and there is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated and defeated when the time and effort you’re putting in doesn’t pay off. It’s important to understand that YOU are not a disappointment in any way, shape, or form. You are living out the story that God intended for you. Even though you might not understand it and it might not be what you want, know that there’s a reason that you are experiencing this specific trial in your life.
You may have already read it, but I highly suggest reading this blog post I wrote called Your Worth Is Not Your Marital Status.
I also want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with taking a break to focus on yourself for a little bit. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your late 20s, early 50s, or mid-90s – we all have times in our life when we need to take a step back and take care of ourselves for a little bit. I also encourage you to turn to the Lord and find out what He wants you to be doing at this time in your life. I can give you lots of advice on new hobbies to try or new places to travel, but only God can help you understand his unique plan for you. Ask Him what you should be focusing on right now, and He will help you understand what He wants for you. Even if it doesn’t seem to align with what you want for yourself right now, trust Him and know that He knows what is best for you and wants you to be happy.
I also want to share something with you from a talk that I gave in sacrament meeting recently:
“In Matthew 11:28-30 it says, “Come unto me, all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals, such as oxen, horses, or mules, and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull. The yoke helps to ensure that the weight is distributed evenly between the two animals so that one doesn’t have to work harder than the other one.
But not all animals go easily into a yoke or any kind of harness.
My sister is an animal lover. Specifically horses. She works at a therapy horse barn for her job and also recently bought her own horse to train. When she bought this horse, she wasn’t fully aware of what she was getting herself into. Penny is an off-the-track thoroughbred chestnut mare, which my sister informed me, are the three stereotypical least desirable qualities in a horse.
Off-the-track thoroughbred horses are trained to race, which means they are trained basically the opposite of how you want a normal horse to be ridden. Mares tend to be moodier and more aggressive, and for whatever reason, it’s a stereotype that chestnut-colored horses are “spicy” and are just amped up to eleven all the time. So she knew that Penny would be a bit of a project horse. But after getting deeper into training and getting to know her more, it’s clear that Penny was also abused, making her distrustful and nervous and making her training even more difficult.
Because of this, my sister has sought extra help from other trainers and taken Penny to special training camps. In one of these training sessions, one of the trainers explained to my sister why Penny fights so hard and was resisting what they were trying to get her to do.
The trainer told her that all a horse wants is to have an easy life. They are prey animals which means that they are on alert 24/7. They’re built to be afraid, and they are wired to avoid any kind of scenario that would put them in danger. So, oftentimes, when you put a bridle or some kind of restraint on them or try and get them to follow your commands, they fight against it.
They want to be the boss because they want to be in control. Being in control is the only way they feel that they can be sure they’ll be safe. You have to help a horse understand that if they relinquish control and let you be the boss, their life is easy. You have to get them to learn to trust that if they listen to what you say, they won’t have to worry about looking for food or shelter or running away from predators because you will provide that for them. You have to get them to see that if they listen to you, even just a little bit, their life will be exponentially easier, which is ultimately what they want.
Nobody wants trials or hardships or stress or pain. We often tell ourselves that we know ourselves best, so OUR way must be the best way. OUR way will make us most happy. But our vision is so limited. If we could see with an eternal perspective, we would see that God actually knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we need, and he knows what will make us happiest, and bring us the ease and rest we so desperately desire.”
I know it’s hard right now, but trust God. Trust His process. Trust His timing.
xo / MM
I’ve been talking with a guy over text/phone for the last month-ish. I was a little unsure whether I would be interested in him, and I talked about going to where he lives so we could go on a date this weekend. We FaceTimed for the first time last night, and I decided I definitely am not interested in him. Is it better for me to cancel now before the date, or should I go on the date still? I’m worried about coming across as shallow but don’t want to lead him on.
Usually, I’m an advocate for meeting in person before making a final decision about somebody. There’s just something to be said about being face to face with someone and being able to read their body language and see their mannerisms that’s so different from chatting on an app. You might be so sure that you’ve found someone perfect for you, and then meet them in person and realize that you can’t stand the way they say your name. Or, vice versa, you may think that someone just really isn’t that attractive, but when you see the way their face lights up when they laugh, you see them in a whole new light. So if you’re ever questioning whether you should go on a first date with someone that you’ve matched with, my vote is always yes. (Unless, of course, you have a gut feeling that something is not right or you are worried for your safety. Then please, by all means, do NOT go on the date.)
That being said, video calls are the next best thing to in-person dates. If you’ve already Facetimed them and you’ve decided that you’re definitely not attracted to them, it sounds like you’ve made up your mind. Odds are that you’ll go into this date with that decision in mind, which will make you feel uncomfortable and he’ll likely be able to feel those vibes from you.
As long as you’re kind about it, don’t worry about coming off as shallow. Dating is all about attraction, and attraction isn’t all about physical appearance. Think about what you would want if you were in his shoes. Would you want someone to give you a chance even though they’ve already made their mind up about you? Or would you want them to be honest so you don’t get your hopes up? My guess is that you would want them to be honest but kind. So maybe don’t come out and say, “I’ve decided I’m not attracted to you,” but just let him know that you’re not interested in going on a date anymore or that you’re not able to travel to see him anymore. He might be upset, but it’s just a part of dating. You’ll feel more at ease if you’re honest with him up front.
xo / MM
Ms. Mutual is ready to answer your questions!