Ask Ms. Mutual: I’m Doing All The Work And It’s Not Working, What Should I Do?

Oct 12, 2023

Ms. Mutual, 

So I feel like I’m doing all the work reaching out to girls and trying to make the conversation alive. Planning dates that would be fun for them. However, no matter what I do it seems that girls don’t take me as a priority in their lives. They take their sweet time in responding back to me or it just seems like we don’t have much in common to enlighten the conversation. Do you have any advice on what I should do?

It can feel so disappointing when you put so much time, thought, and effort into something and then feel like you’re not getting out of it what you’re putting into it. It’s something that I think most people go through at some point in their dating journey, but it doesn’t make it suck any less. I’m sorry that this is the place you’re in right now!

A few different things come to mind when I read your question. First, it’s important to remember that God’s timing might not be the same as our timing. No matter how badly you may want something, God may want something entirely different for you at this point in your life. 

This doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily doing anything wrong; it just means that God wants you to focus on something different. Elder Adrian Ochoa taught that “when we struggle, for any reason, that doesn’t mean the plan isn’t working. That is when we need the plan the most.” 

Trust that Heavenly Father has something good in store for you. He wants you to be happy! So he’s never going to point you in a direction in your life that is not going to bring eternal happiness, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment. 

Seek revelation and find out what it is that God is trying to teach you. It might be hard to stop focusing on things you want right now, especially if they’re righteous desires like a temple marriage and a family. President Russell M. Nelson taught that “in the Lord’s own way and time, no blessings will be withheld from His faithful saints.” You can trust that those things will come in due time if you follow Him and what He wants for your life.

The second thing that comes to my mind is that there’s nothing worse than being told, “Well, that’s just how it goes. Keep trying, and you’ll find your person eventually.” Because you want to be able to actually do something, right? 

And maybe God does want you to be focusing on dating right now, but he wants you to go about it differently. Whatever the case may be, if you feel like you want to try something different, here are some things I suggest trying.

You can’t control how others respond and react, but you can control what you do. So, what is in your control that you can change? Can you expand your filters to try matching with girls you had previously ruled out? Can you try a date activity different from what you’ve tried before? Maybe try talking about new topics to keep the conversation alive. I also suggest taking a look at your profile – what are you telling people about yourself with your photos and bio that you could adjust? 

I’m not saying that you need to change who you are at your core – your time will come, and you will find someone who loves you for who you are. (I know I said it sucks to hear, but… it is true.) 

If you make changes and things still aren’t working, don’t be afraid to take a break. Focus on yourself. Focus on your relationship with God. Find out what He wants for you right now. And remember that you will be able to lay claim on all of the Lord’s promised blessings.

You’ve got this.

xo – MM

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