Mutual Blog

Today, I sat in my car, and I cried.

It’s November, and I started thinking about this time of year and what it’s been like for me at different points in my life. 

I suddenly remembered November 8 years ago and was overcome with emotion. 

I wish I could go back and talk to my 21-year-old self. I would say so many things. I would encourage her. I would empower her. I would tell her she deserves so much better than what she is allowing herself to accept. 

This was before dating apps became popular, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t face the struggles of situationships, ghosting, and breadcrumbing. In fact, I was a direct victim of it.

You might think “victim” is a strong word, but my experiences destroyed my self-confidence and broke my spirit. Those are things that took years of therapy, support, and inner self-work to repair.

A mutual friend introduced us, (yes, an actual mutual friend, not the app. We know that’s what you tell your friends when you don’t want to admit you met on Mutual. 😉) and we clicked instantly. We liked all the same things and had the same sense of humor. Before long, I had our whole life planned out in my head because I was convinced that he was the one. And that was before we even went on an official date. 

Call me crazy, delusional, whatever you want, but it’s hard not to imagine the possibilities when you meet someone who seems like such a perfect match for you. And it’s not like he was some stranger in my math class that I knew nothing about. We had become good friends, and yeah, I’ll admit we kissed a little… Okay, a lot. We kissed a lot. 

Looking back, I realize that probably wasn’t a great idea because I jumped into a physical connection before making sure there was an emotional connection. I also realize now that just because we liked a lot of the same things didn’t mean that we were actually a perfect match, but I was so convinced that he was the one that I ignored every red flag and every warning from friends and family. 

🚩 I ignored the fact that I knew I wasn’t the only girl he was interested in or spending time with.

🚩 I ignored the fact that he only responded when it was convenient for him while I was constantly at his beck and call. 

🚩 I ignored the fact that he would constantly stand me up and make ridiculous excuses about it, or sometimes no excuses at all. 

🚩 I ignored the fact that I regularly did little acts of service for him that were rarely acknowledged. 

🚩 I ignored the fact that I was isolating myself from my friends and family, just so that I could be available to maybe spend time with him. 

🚩 I ignored the fact that I was giving him 110% so that I could maybe get 50% back.

🚩 I ignored the fact that for every time I called my mom or my best friend to tell them something great about him, there were 2 or 3 phone calls where I was in tears.

We did end up dating exclusively for a while. When things got more serious, I prayed about whether he was the one for me. 

When God said “no,” I ignored that too.

I remember Thanksgiving that year. I drove home to Utah to be with my family for the holiday. His family lived much further away, so he stayed at school by himself. While I was with my family on Thanksgiving, I kept thinking about him. I pictured him in his apartment, all alone, no turkey or stuffing or pumpkin pie. It broke my heart.

In that moment, I saw my opportunity to make him see just how much I cared about him. I ended my stay with my family several days earlier than planned and drove several hours back to my college apartment. I made a pumpkin pie just for him, then called him to surprise him and tell him that I had come back to spend some time with him so he didn’t have to be all alone.

I asked him if I could bring the pie over to his apartment. He said he didn’t want to see me – that he would rather be alone. Hurt, I asked what I should do with the pumpkin pie. He said he could drive by and pick it up.

Pick it up?!

I had left my family during a holiday, driven hours just to see him, and he wanted to pick it up and take it home without me?!

I’ll spare you the messy details, but it led to us having a long overdue discussion about our relationship, and we inevitably broke up.

My journal entry, November 29, 2015

I really don’t know what to write because I don’t know how I feel. I’m hurt, but I’m numb. I’m heartbroken, but I’m relieved. I’m angry, but I feel responsible. Everyone keeps saying, “You deserve better,” “It will get better with time,” “You’ll date so many other guys.” But I hate hearing all of it. I know they’re all silently judging me for holding on for so long. They’re all secretly celebrating while I’m falling apart.

God told me from the beginning that I need to focus on school. I need to focus on me. I need to focus on serving others. Stop trying so hard to be something for someone and instead start trying to make something of yourself.

What do I want? Do I want him to see my crying and take me back? No. Do I want him to change his mind? No. 

I think I just want him to understand how much I’ve given to him over the last seven months. I put in so much time and effort and made sacrifices, all for him. I want him to feel as miserable and worthless and stupid as I do because I know he probably just feels relieved.

Now, eight years later, I’ve moved on. I live a life that I adore with a wonderful, loving husband and two beautiful children. But when I think about that time of my life, it still stings a little bit, and I get a little bit emotional, not because of any lingering feelings for him but because of the way I allowed myself to be treated.

In the book “Perks of Being a Wallflower,” author Stephen Chbosky writes, “We accept the love we think we deserve,” meaning that the level of love and respect we accept from others is based on our own perception of our self-worth.

It kills me to think that I thought I was worth so little.

If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I know that my stubborn, hardheaded younger self probably wouldn’t listen.

But this is what I would say:

Hey, bestie.

I know it hurts. If I’m being honest, it’s going to hurt for a long time. In fact, part of the hurt will never go away. But you will heal.

You have a really great future ahead of you. Your future is messy, and it’s not free of hardship or pain. There are some things you’ll never really get over – things that change you for the rest of your life – but your future is good. You’re going to accomplish things you never thought you could. You’re going to meet people that will become an integral part of your life, and you don’t even know that they exist yet. You’re going to do things you don’t even know are possible right now. You are going to feel more love than you even knew your heart could contain.

Your future is good. And you are good.

And you are worthy of the kind of love you’ve heard stories about.

Stop holding on SO TIGHTLY to the things you think you need. Because when your hands are in a fist, you have no room to open them up to the blessings that Heavenly Father is waiting to give you.

It’s not going to go how you thought it would, but I promise it’s going to be okay.

Let go.